In the spirit of comedian Jeff Foxworthy’s famous “you might be a redneck” series, this goes out to the great citizens of the Ozarks.

If you’ve ever used your vehicle’s windshield wipers when it wasn’t raining but moisture from humidity was making it hard to see, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you’ve ever started your day wearing a thick winter jacket and finished it wearing shorts and a T-shirt (or vice-versa), you might be from the Ozarks.

If you own five guns that use four different calibers of ammunition, and have only fired two of them in the past three years, you might be from the Ozarks.

Doug Davison

Doug Davison

If your two favorite beers are a craft brew nobody has ever heard of and Bud Light, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you’ve never seen the ocean but “go to the lake” at least once a year, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you rarely say the word “river” without also saying some variation of the word “float,” you might be from the Ozarks.

If you have three horses you call “pasture pets” and you haven’t been horseback riding in five years, you might be from the Ozarks.

If your driveway is a source of hard labor more than once a year because of water damage, you might be from the Ozarks.

If the water from your well gets cloudy because of both too little rain and too much rain in the same year, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you like reciting lines from the movie “The Outlaw Josie Wales” and you make sure to watch it at least once a year, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you’ve ever eaten at a restaurant where they throw rolls at you or serve “fresh water catfish,” you might be from the Ozarks.

If you know what a goggle-eye is, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you’ve ever complained about hot and cold weather during the same month, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you enjoy going gigging in freezing cold winter weather, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you’ve taken photos during the same year of your cocker spaniel up to its ears in snow, your daughter holding a golf ball-sized hailstone, your garden submerged in a foot of water and bone-dry cracked earth where the cow pond used to be, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you would never pay money to attend a figure skating competition or an opera, but you have paid to see a demolition derby, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you regularly use an analog radio and a smart phone, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you know someone who has had a deer in their house, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you’ve ever plucked a tick from your arm while watching TV in your family room, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you’ve ever said “y’all” and “y’uns” in the same conversation, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you’ve ever said “Missour-ee” and “Missour-uh” in the same conversation, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you live in one of the best places in the world that has nicer people and more natural beauty than just about anywhere else, you might be from the Ozarks.

Doug Davison is a writer, photographer and newsroom assistant for the Houston Herald. Email: ddavison@houstonherald.com.

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