What can you say about this presidential election year, other than it’s the craziest one ever?
I’d say it’s more of a “show” than any previous version, with characters who might belong more in a big top than the oval office.
So in keeping with the tone of the whole fiasco, I thought I’d have a little fun by comparing some of the presidential candidates (active and withdrawn) to “who they look like,” similar to the way it’s done with coaches and players on the popular ESPN Radio program, “The Dan Le Batard Show.” Candidates aren’t arranged in any order, not all are mentioned (and that’s not because of some sort of conspiracy) and there’s no intention of riling anyone up (although that could well happen anyway).
- Bernie Sanders looks like high school math teacher who plays “Doc” in a drama department production of Back to the Future II.”
Or a scientist on a public TV show about space who shakes his finger at the camera and exclaims, “it’s poppycock that some of my colleagues took away Pluto’s status as a planet – and I’m going to show you why!”
- Marco Rubio looks like a guy working in an department store electronics department wearing a blue shirt with a name tag on it who walks up to you holding an odd looking contraption and asks, “have you seen what this can do?” before introducing himself or saying anything else.
Or a man behind the window of a carnival pretzel trailer wearing a striped shirt and hat who asks if you want an extra pack of mustard.
- Chris Christie looks like a guy who sells meat out of a cooler in the back of a small pickup who continues with his pitch on your driveway after you tell him you’re not interested because you don’t have a stand-alone freezer in the garage and there isn’t room in the freezer section of the fridge in your kitchen.
Or the guy who works at an outdoor products store who claps his hands and says, “so, I can definitely see you taking this home today!” as you sit in a five-figure UTV parked near the back of a dark showroom.
- Carly Fiorina looks like a woman who does a bad “tribute to Celine Dion” show at a regional or state fair.
Or a flight attendant who says, “we only have Coke products” (drawing out the “only” and putting heavy emphasis on the “s” in products) when you ask for a Pepsi.
- Ted Cruz looks like the guy who plays the hermit-like, slow-talking villain in a B-movie about teenagers exploring an abandoned mine town.
Or the guy who greets you at the entrance to a clown museum and says, “anyone who doesn’t like clowns doesn’t like America.”
- Ben Carson looks like the guy inside an airport garage payment booth who says, “fye dollaz,” in a low monotone voice without making eye contact with you.
Or a guy driving a tram in the parking lot of a major theme park who keeps saying, “we’re glad you’re here, where every day is a beautiful day.”
- Hillary Clinton looks like the woman behind the checkout counter at a liquor superstore who asks if you found “everything you needed.”
Or the woman sitting next to you on the subway who wants to know all about every dog you’ve owned in your life.
- John Kasich looks like a college basketball coach who loosens his tie half way through the first quarter and yells “so it’s going to be like this again?” at the nearest referee.
Or a financial adviser who smiles and assures you “the same thing won’t happen this time.”
- Donald Trump looks like a guy who would reminisce about his trip to Namibia while selling crystal jewelry on a TV shopping network.
Or a traveling representative of a hair products company who keeps saying, “just look what it’s done for me.”
Doug Davison is a writer, photographer and newsroom assistant for the Houston Herald. His columns are posted online at www.houstonherald.com. Email: firstname.lastname@example.org.